So What the Hell CAN I Eat?

OK, so I'm doing a month of gluten free eating. Fantastic. Really, it's thrilling. In my initial research, I found out that I can eat:

Vegetables
Fruits
Sticks
Rocks
Monkey assholes

That's about it. Even soy sauce has gluten for crying out loud. Would someone explain to me why SOY sauce needs wheat? Seriously, WTF?

Good news is corn is on the menu, and I like corn.

Of course I was thrilled to read that I can eat amaranth. I mean, who doesn't love a nice steaming bowl of amaranth? I remember when my mother used to take it off the stove, and place that bowl on the table, our little eyes would just light up.

Not really. I'm screwing with you. I had absolutely no idea what amaranth was. Looking it up, I found out that it was, according to Wikipedia:

"...a cosmopolitan genus of herbs. Approximately 60 species are recognized, with inflorescences and foliage ranging from purple and red to gold. Members of this genus share many characteristics and uses with members of the closely related genus Celosia.

Although several species are often considered weeds, people around the world value amaranths as leaf vegetables, cereals, and ornamentals..."

So basically, it's shit I pull up from my backyard that am surprised to survive eating. Yippee. Just build me a stall out back and leave me out in the field. Amaranth is what my friggin' horse is eating.

This is getting worse by the second, I decided.

To help improve morale, my husband took me to Flatbread. The idea was to prove that I could still eat some of my favorite foods - pizza being one of them. Now, I'm not a fan of flatbread pizaa anyway, but veggie boy (the husband) is, and I figured what the hell.

It tasted like sauce and cheese on sheetrock asstastic bearable. Not like pizza, but bearable.

My opening meal of my first full day consisted of a breakfast bar, which was actually OK, and a glass of milk. Although I was reminded of the old Reeses peanut butter cup commercials, with a slight modification:

Schlub #1: "Hey, you got chocolate chips in my monkey assholes."
Schlub #2: "You got monkey assholes in my chocolate chips."
BOTH: "EWWW!"

*cue jingle*

Lunch was a subway salad, scoop of tuna, fat free french dressing. I like salads, and tuna, so things were looking up. A little too healthy, though, so I supplemented with a bag of Fritos just to remind myself that I could.

Dinner was gluten free enchiladas. Quite good, actually.

And here we are at today. Eye appointment in the morning, so I look like I'm an anime cartoon. Breakfast bar and a lunch surprise - a damn good Amy's cheddar cheese gluten free burrito.

I might not have to kill everyone.

...And We're Back...

OK, so I posted, and then I didn't, and now here I am again. Just another idiot with a blog. And something to say, apparently.

Not entirely sure what I'm doing with this blog. Originally, I was going to use it as a sort of family status update, but I've changed my mind on that. Partially because I'm not that close to most of my family, and partially because I'm not sure even they want to read about my day all that much.

So, in trying to figure out what the hell I'm doing here, I've decided that I'm going to use it as a sort of journal for a few things I've got going on right now. Those are:

1. In case anyone hasn't noticed, the world's going down the crapper. I figure that if my country actually survives this insanity, they're going to wonder what we thought a hundred years from now.

2. I am on day 2 of eating gluten free. And I'm not happy about it. Usually, it's hug the world hippy types that do this sort of stuff. But at 43, I'm fat, miserable, with a lot of health issues no one can figure out, and so I'm trying gluten free eating for a month. Despite all the happy crap on the internet about how wonderful it is and how you're sure to find great stuff to eat and not really miss what you used to eat at all...I'm freakin' pissed.

Yes, I do miss eating real food at this early stage. And I'm sure I'm not alone in being pissed that a gluten sensitivity might be behind my health issues. So, I've decided to share my misery in the hopes that I might make this a little less miserable for someone else...and for myself.

3. For the most part, I've got a sarcastic with that isn't always fully appreciated, so I've decided to inflict it on the internet. So there.

We'll see where it goes.